Everyone Looses Something With Adoption

The age old question that comes up for adoptive parents is when and how to tell their child(ren) about their adoption.  There was a time when people never said anything.  Children would grow up never knowing they were adopted and then maybe they were told at some point in their adulthood. The common knowledge now is that we should make sure our children know they are adopted and have open lines of communication about their story.

But then the questions come. How do we share their stories with them? Do we tell them everything? That part of their story might be hurtful. What if they want to meet their biological family?  The list goes on and its long and varied.

As we have slowly shared the details of our children's stories with them I have found one thing to be true.  Everyone looses something with adoption.  My children's birth parents will not get to see them grow up everyday.  My children lost the first parent they were bonded to. My children have lost the ability to grow up with all of their siblings in the traditional sense.  And Dustin and I lost something too.  I didn't get to carry my children in my womb and speak to them everyday.  They didn't nurse at my breast.  


I have to face the fact that everyone involved has loss so that healing can come to my children. Some friends who have also walked this journey to adoption said this "One of the travesties created from sin was orphans. Defined by the dictionary, as a child who is deprived of both parents, without protection. This was not a part of our loving Father's great design, but it is a part of our world today." -Kenny Besk (You can read more of the blog post that came from here https://beskfamily.blogspot.com/2013/09/a-fathers-perspective.html ) You see it's like Kenny said I need to view adoption as God's redemption plan, not his original intent.  When I shift my perspective I know that where redemption is needed there is brokenness...............where there is brokenness there needs to be healing.  When we step into the uncomfortable space of grief and loss we can then help our children walk through their stories no matter how hard the story might be.

I have realized I don't always have an answer for every question, but that saying "I'm sorry sweetie I don't know," is often enough.  I am often sitting in awkward silence wondering what question I might face next.  While I sit I place my hand on them and silently pray that the LORD would guide my words and actions so that they would be a healing balm to my sweet child's open wound.  Sometimes the questions and the conversations leave me hurting too.  I have to remind myself it's ok for me to grieve too.  Grief and loss are a part of life and part of parenting is helping our children to grieve in healthy ways.  Life throws us curveballs all the time and as much as I wish I didn't have to watch my children's hearts break about numerous things, I know that this is a part of life.

And yet at the end of every storm there is a rainbow.  I don't know about you but I can't imagine life without rainbows.  

I am honored to be called Mom by my 5 beautiful children.  I also know three of my children love two moms and there is nothing wrong with that.