Six years ago I found myself in a situation I thought I would never be in. I was experiencing loss in a way that was so close to home. I remember becoming overwhelmed by grief and just sinking into the wall I was leaning on. The words around my weren't clear anymore and as I sank into the wall I clearly remember the thick presence of the LORD and leaning into it; letting Him hold me.
As I look back over the last 6 years I actually had loss after loss for 3 years. From untimely deaths, cancer, lost friendships, and changing tides. There was a song I listened to over and over during these years and it was water to my soul as it expressed all the things that swirled as the waves crashed over my head.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held
-Natalie Grant "Held"
I had to make a choice I could either be overcome by the crashing waves or I could surrender and let my Father in Heaven hold me. I am so thankful I made the choice to surrender. In my surrender I was able to experience the Father's love in a way I never had before. Was it easy? No. Did I cry? All the time. And yet in the depths of some of my deepest grief, wrestling with things that shouldn't be, like babies dying and cancer taking people too soon............I had moments of pure Joy.
While on of my dear friends was battling leukemia we had one of these nights of pure Joy in one of the most unexpected places.........the hospital where she was getting chemo. We had come on a Thursday evening to all watch Parenthood together; one of our favorite tv shows. We brought food from her favorite Mexican food restaurant and had some chocolate as well. We were there after visiting hours but the nurses loved Lisa and told us it was ok and to not be too loud. So of course what happens, we end up making each other laugh hysterically and we can't stop laughing. We were on the cancer floor of the hospital where our friend was battling for her life and the Joy was just bubbling out and we couldn't stop laughing. If the three of us were not surrendered I doubt we could have experienced the Joy in that moment.